I forgot, I forgot my observer. I forgot to be present.
Amidst the "impending doom" of Frankenstorm I finally calmed down fully in life. Calm = less of a stuckness in my chest, fewer tears, breathing more deeply, sleeping more fully during the night, laughing instead of yelling (as an immediate reaction). Funny timing maybe? As the items fly off of the store shelves and we all drag our patio furniture indoors there may be more of unrest around me than peace. I keep texting and emailing Matt items we needed to take preparation for, and I find that I am smiling to myself and giggling, laughing internally that I am concerned about having enough supplies and also excited, because I might actually receive time (as a gift from mother nature herself) to unpack the home we just bought and moved into.
So, I didn't forget myself in the midst of this storm. I in fact forgot myself about three weeks ago, maybe more. The life circumstances included the usual like class, clinic and multiple meetings for a volunteer organization. The additions are the purchase (yes purchase!) of our very first home and a new part time job. Why I chose to do both at the same time? Good question. Such is life, yes? Let's not too forget that I am also fabulous managing to stuff up my emotions about some family health circumstances.
I started freaking out. I started staying up later than I know is good for me, so I could pack, or clean, or email. I started to yell and get angry more toward Matt (like a rising wave in my body, I would just heat up, feel the color in my face change, and feel the need to yell and/or cry about whatever wasn't going just my way).
I said out loud many times, I have just got to get to November 1st. I have just gotta make it through October.
Then I finally heard myself... Uh oh, I've just gotta get through? Damn. I am missing life NOW! Life is happening now, and I am not enjoying the process of even the chaos, I am not taking love in packing our belongings, or our last bit of time in the apartment. I am so busy, then tired from stressing myself out that we even missed our ritual of a picnic dinner in an empty new place. This moment will be over before I know it, and all I am doing is efforting to make it through. Bummer. When I am not present, I miss what is happening now.
So I realized it, spoke it out loud to Joy, a fabulous listener and friend. And then made an agreement to get back into my body and come back to the moment. Happenstancely (yes, I made this word up, and separate thought - is anything really a coincidence?) Matt sent this link to me that very night. My physical self didn't quite follow as readily - not a surprise because I had worked oh so diligently to tell myself to hype up, freak out, stop breathing! Thus it has taken me about a whole week to relocate my feet, slow my heart rate and move my inhale down deep into my belly instead of high up in my chest. Whew, I am back.
The moral of the story? A storm is coming, yes - it may be mega, yes...AND, if I am present, it will be a fun time to stay inside, cuddle up, and be present. The storm(s) I create in my life though...not worth creating in the first place. No fun, cuddle or presence of being comes from it, so I am letting that go.